gosh, i can't believe how bad the devastation was in new orleans. when i got home i watched a little bit of tv. i didn't know it was that bad. i was shocked at how much looting they have been experiencing. that is crazy! i haven't watched much tv lately and just watching the devasation saddens me. for some reason it makes me think that the world is coming to an end soon. there's so much devastation, violence, war etc. and so many other things that are way too common these days.

anyway, that brought me to thinking about "vernon". i really do hope he and his family are ok. i'm not sure if he lived exactly in new orleans or on the outskirts but either way i hope he made it out of that devastation alive and well.

labor day is coming up. i'm not sure what we are going to do this weekend. more than likely we'll stay home. gas prices are ridiculous to be traveling anywhere. besides, i'm saving for navajo nation fair. we are going for the parade, food, and all the nice stuff that people sell! it's time for me to look for some christmas gifts. hehe. sheesh, if you try and buy turqouise out here you might as well empty your bank account because its an arm and leg out here. the natives who sell at the flea markets out here jack up the prices, so i'd rather go back and get a bargain. i hope its not like last year, i nearly froze my ass off in the morning and nearly melted from the heat in the afternoon.

it's getting hot here again, but at least it's not as humid as it was for the past couple of weeks. i don't know, maybe i got used to the humidity and don't know the difference anymore. i can't stand the heat. ugh! i try and not use the air conditioner in my car these days. i'm trying to conserve my gas since gas has sky rocketed in price. it now takes close to 30 buckeroos to fill up my car...that's ridiculous!

i have to get up early tomorrow and go into work. i'm trying to make up my time for thursday since i have a dental appointment. yep, my yearly checkup. i bet you anything i have a cavity. so far, for two years in a row they have found a cavity or two. my mouth is going to be full of fillings soon. i don't mind going to see the dentist anymore. i used to be horrified. i think i've experienced the worst with going to see the oral surgeon. they had to take out 3 impacted wisdom teeth. that was the worst pain i've ever experienced in my life. now i think i can just about with stand anything.

brian is ok. he's down stairs watching the national geographic channel. they were showing a very interesting documentary about 9/11. it's called, 'inside 9/11'. i tell ya, watching that show gave me goose bumps. i can still remember that day. i didn't go to work. i was scared actually, because back then i worked in a building that had 21 floors, so you can imagine why i didn't. it's crazy, i used to live by myself back then and thoughts were running through my mind. i actually thought the world was gonna end that day. i was scared shitless. i just barricaded my self in my 1 bedroom apartment and watched the boob tube all day. anyway, i need to hit the sack....i'm tired and i'm craving some ice cream...nite

i get up every day knowing that i have to go to some hell hole of a job. i smile and say hi and sometimes i chit chat. i think just about every one at work is full of shit. theres a few that are the kindest and warmest people i've met so far at any job, but then there's the rest. they all put on a show. i feel like smacking some of those fake bitches silly. some of them act so fucking dainty. i swear, they act like their shit don't stink. i get so disgusted sometimes! i can give you so many examples of why i want to smack them silly but, i'll just end up writing a book. i get tired sometimes. why can't i work with decent people.

my best friend/coworker and i are making a proposal to change our weekly schedule. we are hoping this proposal gets accepted, but honestly in the back of my mind i'm thinking that our request is going to get shot down. if it does, the shit is going to hit the fan.

july 25, 2005....i can't believe it's been a year and some days since my friend's boyfriend's death. she was with him for 15 years. yet, it still feels like he's around. especially, when she invites us to dinners or birthday parties. it feels like he's going to walk out of a room or come in from the front door. sadly, he passed away while he was tubing down the salt river last year. the main culprit....alcohol. he didn't come home that saturday night and the next morning the investigators found him and pronounced him dead. she tells me that she misses him so much. i don't know how it feels to be in her shoes, but she's a very strong person. she tells me that she's lonely and i tell her that she can't be by her self for the rest of her life. especially, since her boys are in highschool now and will probably be moving out. she tells me that she knows this, but then she says that she wouldn't know what to do if she did me that special person because all she ever knew was her late boyfriend. he was her first boyfriend, first love, first every thing and father to their 2 boys. on july 25, we had a little get together for her boyfriend to celebrate the life that he had. man, he sure is missed. rest in peace roland....

man, i'm so fucking lazy these days. i don't have enough time during the day. most of my time is spent at work. my hours suck and i need a new job. i've been thinking about moving on. i hate work. i always hated it, but i only stay because i know i have bills to pay.

i've been sick for the past 2 weeks. i came down with a viral infection and my throat has been giving me hell for the past week. theres been days when i couldn't eat a thing because it hurt so much to swallow. i went to the dr, but all they gave me was some 800 mg ibuprofen for the pain. what kind of shit is that? all it does is knock me out for a couple of hours.

i haven't been doing much with the house lately. we haven't touched the other room. i think we got too lazy and so tired of trying to fix shit. i'm thinking of painting that room cranberry red. i have all these ideas of what i can do with that room, but like i said i'm tired of messing with that shit. we still need to tear out the stuff in the bathroom too, but we are probably going to wait until next year to do all the major work.

we were supposed to go back to the rez this weekend, but our lazy asses just don't feel like it. my coworker is already planning for the september fair. she took that friday off so she can set up camp by the side of road out in window rock. it's kind of funny how we get so gung ho about shit like that. i guess it's such a blessing sometimes to see so many greasy indian faces. so, i guess i might go with, but not sure. i don't plan that far ahead.....

tomorrow is friday. i'm not sure if i can stand being at work tomorrow. i about lost it today. i was so close. there's just some days that i feel like i'm about to give up and say fuck it i'm going home. i don't know why i let certain things get to me. sometimes i think maybe i'm too emotional. i let people run all over me. i was never like this. somewhere in my life i changed. i remember when i was a hard headed, sometimes rude, outspoken, let me have my way kind of girl, but now, i feel like this helpless pup with it's tail between it's legs. i don't know when i changed and i don't know why i changed. sometimes i think maybe my ex changed me. i can't blame him for my behavior because our relationship ended 6 years ago, but then again, that boy put me through hell and back. he abused me emotionally and physically. and stupid me i stayed with that jerk for a long time. i think it was because i felt like i couldn't live life by myself. after all, we were practically married, but yet all that time i was with him he was cheating. to this day i still think about him and wonder why he did that to me. i can tell you this...this kind of shit can really damage a person. especially if you put your all into the relationship. you believed every word, you believed that when he said that he loved you that he meant it. i think he just liked the attention. i forgive him though. i forgive him for all the awful things he did to me. i forgive him...only because i know that sometimes in his life he will remember and regret.

i've been fooling around with my computer in the past 2 weeks. i'm actually spending more time on the computer than usual. i actually logged onto my yahoo messenger last weekend and i actually had a ball chatting with past yahoo buddies. back in the days i was on the computer 24/7. i had a job that required me to sit in front of the computer logging onto software connected to the internet. i used to be on the internet all the time. i think i was chatting more on yahoo than working. it was fun and i met some really interesting people. i met a few in person, but the majority of them just wanted something else instead, so that stopped.

i don't know...i think back then i was in a really emotional state. i had a lot of personal things going on in my life and yahoo was the one thing that really kept me busy...that and my drinking buddies. i think i pratically went bar hopping every weekend. pretty soon faces became familiar and eventually those familiar faces became my drinking buddies. it was cool. i had a lot of fun and most of the time ended up partying at somebody's house or end up at the 49ers in tempe. i'm not sure if that is still there...haven't been out in a while....a very long while, but anyway, i'm just reminincsing here. i should be getting to bed. i had to reinstall my windows again because i did a oopsie but now things are better. well, i better get ready for bed. i have a long day tomorrow....

my posts are getting more and more sporatic. i have lot of things to do. i just don't know where to start. we've been in the house for almost 2 months now and we are still not done putting away stuff. so i've been busy. i haven't checked my email in a long time either. i can't wait until i can relax again with out having to worry about fixing this or painting that. i hope you all are doing better than i am....

i made it through the surgery. it was a terrifying experience. Especially since i've never had to deal with anesthesia before. i was terrified the whole morning. brian was thankfully at my side the whole time. i felt sick to my stomach and i was thristy! i couldn't eat or drink anything after midnight. the iv that one of nurses tried to put in my vein was scary all together. he let me bleed all over the place. i bled all over my gown, the chair, and then the floor. i was feeling nauseas by then and just wanted a drink of water. i think the whole experience was just too much for me. before they put the iv in me they had me change into a gown, gave me some booties, and i had to tie my hair up and put it into something that looked similar to a shower cap. it was a long wait, they finally called me in to another room . there were 2 other people in the same room with me waiting to get into a surgery room. the lady on my left was getting carpel tunnel surgery done and the guy to my right was getting a hernia repair. me, on the other hand was getting a cervical cone biopsy. i was on pins and needles the whole time. i didn't know if i wanted to cry or what. i felt like crying, but then again i didn't want to act a fool with those other two people next to me, so i stood my ground and fought back the tears, took deep breaths, and prayed a silent prayer, but still at the back of mind i still had the gawd awful feeling that something bad was going to happen. i kept replaying what the dr. was telling me, he was explaining me the 'what if's' if something terrible was to happen to me during the surgery. these are some of the questions they ask you before you go in to surgery:

1. would you like to be resuscitated?
2. do you have a living will?
3. if you needed a blood transfusion do you want it?

it makes you think a lot about your life in a flash...it really does. but anyway, my wait finally ended and they wheeled me to the surgery room. it had the same icky medicinal smell that i hate and the room was like an ice box. it was eery and dark. the anesthesiologist came to me and said that he was giving me medicine. i remember him asking me if i ever drank alcohol. i told him yes, and then he said that i'll be feeling that way and he told me to lay my arms out. that 's the last thing i remember. i must have knocked out because next thing i know i heard the nurse whispering my name and taking the oxygen mask off my face. i was in he recovery room. i was shocked. i was actually thinking is that it? is it really over? i was amazed! i had a really sore throat though! i guess they intubated me and today my throat is still sore. i'm sore all over actually. i'm taking ibuprofen and some percocet for the pain. i was told to do light activities and not to walk up stairs. yeah right, my bedroom is upstairs so i already ignored the dr's instuction. so, i'm ok. i'm dealing with it and hopefully i don't have to deal with it ever again. i just know that in the future that if i ever decide to have children that i might have complications such as premature birth, miscarriages, and even infertility. its so strange, they say that this type of stuff is not genetic, but yet, all my aunts had some kind of tumor/cancer in the uterus or cervix. just recently, i had an aunt that had a total hysterectomy. she's fine and she's had kids, actually all of my aunts had kids, but i haven't had one and it makes me sad that i might be struggling in the future to have children. i guess that's life for me and i will probably have to deal with that when the time comes, but for now i'm happy that i'm alive and with the one i love. he's so understanding and has been by my side through thick and thin. i love you brian....

i'm still alive.....i just don't seem to have enough time during the day any more to do anything. the first few days in the new house was very depressing to me. i really missed my apartment. i'm over it now. i've adjusted to living in the house now. i've been doing a lot of painting. the ceiling, the stair case walls, kitchen, and soon the 2nd bedroom. i tell ya its a lot of work. i've been under a lot of stress these past 2 months. i had to deal with a lot of paper work with the home buying thing, i haven't smoked a cigarette in 13 days, and now i have to go into surgery this thursday. it requires anesthesia and i'm not too fond of the idea. so my mind is in a limbo right now i'm so irritable at times. i'm just taking it one step at a time....

well, closing didn't happen on the 24th. theres all kinds of crap going on with the lenders and the sellers and pratically almost every one thats involved with the house. i think i almost broke down yesterday. all i say is that they dig deep into your financial history, want every darn pay check stub and so forth and so forth. i really don't want to go through all that again. the funding for the house should go through on the 30th and we should be able to move in by friday since the seller is whining and getting mad about wanting to stay a couple more days. i guess the person that is selling the house is having title issues with the house that she is buying. i know we are pratically kicking her out, but dang, we signed a contract and they should have been out of there by the 24th.

i'm ready to get out of this hell hole. the stench from downstairs is getting bad and i don't think i can live here any longer. i complained to the office last week that some kind of awful smell is coming from the neighbors downstairs. i don't know what the hell that smell is but dang its nauseating. today my coworker/friend came to the house and instantly she could smell that shit half way to my door. she almost vomited.

anyway, hope all is well with y'all...toodles!