my cox high speed internet sucks! the other day i supposedly posted something, but it just magically disappeared. i hate cox. i've called tech service several times to ask them why my internet keeps going down. they always ask me if i have all my cables plugged in. it's the same old routine. i'm tired of calling over there. i wonder if i'm the only one experiencing this problem? i don't know, it might be the outside line that runs into my apartment. i'm just gettting sick of this bullshit.

i see that we are getting another monsoon storm this evening. i hope it floods the shit out of this place. i'm tired of it being hot all the time and why the hell does it always seem to freaking storm in the evenings instead of during the day? i remember when we used to have some scary monsoon storms. i want them back! i used to hate it back then though. i didn't have a vehicle in my early years and i had to ride the city bus. that sucked. to be on a city bus wet as dog, and then to have to smell peoples smelly ass body odor. anyway, hopefully this posts because i'm not going to type this again. good nite y'all.

gosh, i really don't know what to say. a lot of bad, bad, things have happened these past months. because of this i haven't blogged in a while. it seems like if i mention any part of my life on this blog, shit only gets worse. fuck it, we only live once.

last month a dear friend and coworker of mine lost the love of her life. its so sad to even think or write about it. my coworker has been with her boyfriend for 15 long years. i pray for her and her two boys a lot. she tells me that it's hard to be home in the evenings. I just wish there were some comforting words that i could tell her to ease her pain, but i know that only time will heal. i know right now nothing i say will make her feel better. i cannot imagine what she is going through. i have never lost any one that close to me.

it was on a sunday morning that my friend called me. it was around 7:00 am. i was awake, but still rolling around in my bed when i heard my phone ring. i answered the phone and heard my friend on the other line. the first words she said was that she had some bad news. for a second i thought of what could be such bad news so early on a sunday morning, but nothing came to my mind and i sat and listened to what she had to say. i could tell that she had been crying earlier by the tone of her voice, so i knew it was bad. it took her about a minute to tell me what was going on. she told me that they couldn't find her boyfriend. i was confused at first and was wondering what she was talking about and then she told me that on saturday he went to the salt river. that's when it hit me. on saturday her boyfriend had asked brian if he wanted to go tubing, but brian declined the offer because we were planning on going to see some movies that day. i think my mind was running a million miles minute after that. she went on to say that she went to go pick him up at the time they were supposed to meet that day, but she said that they kept waiting for him and he never showed up. she said that it begain to get dark and finally they had no choice and went to the police. the police told her that there were a lot of witnesses. they saw her boyfriend getting off of his raft and swimming, but then they noticed that he looked like he was struggling and they asked him if he needed help, but her boyfriend didn't say anything. they said that it looked like he was swimming towards a diving rock, but for some reason he was having trouble. i guess he just never came back up. they formed a human chain across the river to search, but they didn't find him.

gawd, sometimes i wonder why god takes people so early in their lives. i know that he has a purpose, but sometimes it's just hard to understand, even for me. my friend's boyfriend threw scrumptious barbeques. he was the barbeque king! he was a kind, generous, and giving person. he never thought about himself. he always took his time to help others out before him and it's just so sad to see him go so soon. brian and i are still in shock. i wonder sometimes, what if brian would have gone with him that day. would he have saved him from drowning or would he have drowned himself? we will never know. i remember my dad was speaking to my friend in navajo. he told her "please don't blame god".