i made it through the surgery. it was a terrifying experience. Especially since i've never had to deal with anesthesia before. i was terrified the whole morning. brian was thankfully at my side the whole time. i felt sick to my stomach and i was thristy! i couldn't eat or drink anything after midnight. the iv that one of nurses tried to put in my vein was scary all together. he let me bleed all over the place. i bled all over my gown, the chair, and then the floor. i was feeling nauseas by then and just wanted a drink of water. i think the whole experience was just too much for me. before they put the iv in me they had me change into a gown, gave me some booties, and i had to tie my hair up and put it into something that looked similar to a shower cap. it was a long wait, they finally called me in to another room . there were 2 other people in the same room with me waiting to get into a surgery room. the lady on my left was getting carpel tunnel surgery done and the guy to my right was getting a hernia repair. me, on the other hand was getting a cervical cone biopsy. i was on pins and needles the whole time. i didn't know if i wanted to cry or what. i felt like crying, but then again i didn't want to act a fool with those other two people next to me, so i stood my ground and fought back the tears, took deep breaths, and prayed a silent prayer, but still at the back of mind i still had the gawd awful feeling that something bad was going to happen. i kept replaying what the dr. was telling me, he was explaining me the 'what if's' if something terrible was to happen to me during the surgery. these are some of the questions they ask you before you go in to surgery:

1. would you like to be resuscitated?
2. do you have a living will?
3. if you needed a blood transfusion do you want it?

it makes you think a lot about your life in a flash...it really does. but anyway, my wait finally ended and they wheeled me to the surgery room. it had the same icky medicinal smell that i hate and the room was like an ice box. it was eery and dark. the anesthesiologist came to me and said that he was giving me medicine. i remember him asking me if i ever drank alcohol. i told him yes, and then he said that i'll be feeling that way and he told me to lay my arms out. that 's the last thing i remember. i must have knocked out because next thing i know i heard the nurse whispering my name and taking the oxygen mask off my face. i was in he recovery room. i was shocked. i was actually thinking is that it? is it really over? i was amazed! i had a really sore throat though! i guess they intubated me and today my throat is still sore. i'm sore all over actually. i'm taking ibuprofen and some percocet for the pain. i was told to do light activities and not to walk up stairs. yeah right, my bedroom is upstairs so i already ignored the dr's instuction. so, i'm ok. i'm dealing with it and hopefully i don't have to deal with it ever again. i just know that in the future that if i ever decide to have children that i might have complications such as premature birth, miscarriages, and even infertility. its so strange, they say that this type of stuff is not genetic, but yet, all my aunts had some kind of tumor/cancer in the uterus or cervix. just recently, i had an aunt that had a total hysterectomy. she's fine and she's had kids, actually all of my aunts had kids, but i haven't had one and it makes me sad that i might be struggling in the future to have children. i guess that's life for me and i will probably have to deal with that when the time comes, but for now i'm happy that i'm alive and with the one i love. he's so understanding and has been by my side through thick and thin. i love you brian....

i'm still alive.....i just don't seem to have enough time during the day any more to do anything. the first few days in the new house was very depressing to me. i really missed my apartment. i'm over it now. i've adjusted to living in the house now. i've been doing a lot of painting. the ceiling, the stair case walls, kitchen, and soon the 2nd bedroom. i tell ya its a lot of work. i've been under a lot of stress these past 2 months. i had to deal with a lot of paper work with the home buying thing, i haven't smoked a cigarette in 13 days, and now i have to go into surgery this thursday. it requires anesthesia and i'm not too fond of the idea. so my mind is in a limbo right now i'm so irritable at times. i'm just taking it one step at a time....