tomorrow is friday. i'm not sure if i can stand being at work tomorrow. i about lost it today. i was so close. there's just some days that i feel like i'm about to give up and say fuck it i'm going home. i don't know why i let certain things get to me. sometimes i think maybe i'm too emotional. i let people run all over me. i was never like this. somewhere in my life i changed. i remember when i was a hard headed, sometimes rude, outspoken, let me have my way kind of girl, but now, i feel like this helpless pup with it's tail between it's legs. i don't know when i changed and i don't know why i changed. sometimes i think maybe my ex changed me. i can't blame him for my behavior because our relationship ended 6 years ago, but then again, that boy put me through hell and back. he abused me emotionally and physically. and stupid me i stayed with that jerk for a long time. i think it was because i felt like i couldn't live life by myself. after all, we were practically married, but yet all that time i was with him he was cheating. to this day i still think about him and wonder why he did that to me. i can tell you this...this kind of shit can really damage a person. especially if you put your all into the relationship. you believed every word, you believed that when he said that he loved you that he meant it. i think he just liked the attention. i forgive him though. i forgive him for all the awful things he did to me. i forgive him...only because i know that sometimes in his life he will remember and regret.

i've been fooling around with my computer in the past 2 weeks. i'm actually spending more time on the computer than usual. i actually logged onto my yahoo messenger last weekend and i actually had a ball chatting with past yahoo buddies. back in the days i was on the computer 24/7. i had a job that required me to sit in front of the computer logging onto software connected to the internet. i used to be on the internet all the time. i think i was chatting more on yahoo than working. it was fun and i met some really interesting people. i met a few in person, but the majority of them just wanted something else instead, so that stopped.

i don't know...i think back then i was in a really emotional state. i had a lot of personal things going on in my life and yahoo was the one thing that really kept me busy...that and my drinking buddies. i think i pratically went bar hopping every weekend. pretty soon faces became familiar and eventually those familiar faces became my drinking buddies. it was cool. i had a lot of fun and most of the time ended up partying at somebody's house or end up at the 49ers in tempe. i'm not sure if that is still there...haven't been out in a while....a very long while, but anyway, i'm just reminincsing here. i should be getting to bed. i had to reinstall my windows again because i did a oopsie but now things are better. well, i better get ready for bed. i have a long day tomorrow....